3 Policies you WISH you had for this Chinese New Year [One can only dream]

Posted 15 February, 2018 by Clearly
in Just for Fun

 

That time is upon us again. Chinese New Year is a largely enjoyable affair, for anyone under the age of 16. But as we mature, the joy of Ang Baos and unfettered celebration give way to a host of other irritations that no other major holiday can match.

For some of us, it can be a living hell of disastrous proportions.

 

So it begins

 

There is the problem of getting around the island – doubly difficult if you do not own a car. Then there is a weird tradition of banking in money at certain timings (could I deposit into a Cash Deposit Machine instead?).

Things costs more, and yet you have do not have a say in the matter. Then there are the incessant CNY songs which blare out of every corner. Oh, the trumpets and cymbals and endless gong xi gong xi gong xi ni~~

A reasonable conclusion to draw: I am not fun to have at parties. I do look forward to CNY, but there are just so many other headaches that neutralize the joy during this period.

But, I still have my trusty sense of imagination, and here’s 3 Insurance policies that I would gladly buy to protect me during these 15 days of personified red cheer. If we petition hard enough, I’m sure we could persuade a forward thinking insurer to make these a reality.

 

Policy 1: The Nosy Relative Respite

 

Kay Poh

Do you really want to walk down this lane without protection?

 

The dreaded scenario:

You know the questions are coming, and they will hit you. Hard and fast. Behind every mandarin orange plant, lurks an aunty or uncle just waiting to ambush you with questions. About your love and personal life, regardless of what stage you are at.

Boy ah, still not no girlfriend?
Girl ah, what happen to the guy from last year? Break up liao?
Seng, this year bring a different girl ah?? (This is my wife!)
Married already, why still no children ah? Something wrong with your private parts?
Wah, got a baby girl already. Why not try for a boy also? Try harder leh.
Eh, I hear this year the PSLE veri hard. You think your kid will fail or not?

Ad Nauseum.

 

Buy the policy and reap the benefits:

Provides legal and financial relief against people that share your DNA, but insist on prying into affairs that should be yours and yours alone.

 

How it works:

It is a contract for specific non-disclosure about your personal and life life between you and the insurer. So you now have a legitimate reason to deflect these inane questions. The only acceptable response will then be abbreviated as S.I.C.S (Sorry I cannot say)

Sorry auntie, I signed an NDA with my insurer. We are working on a very important project together for this period. (To keep your nose out of my business!) I cannot reveal anything more. If you continue to probe, they will send you a lawyer letter. SICS, hor.

Extra style points will be given to you if you frame the policy and walk around with it around your neck.

 

Policy 2: The AngBao Avenger

 

Children

Their smiles are built upon the twisted wreck that once used to be your wallet

 

The dreaded scenario:

You’re a newly wed. Prepare to bleed money out of every orifice you have. All of a sudden, you will be swarmed with hordes of children, and you will marvel/despair at the reproductive might of your relative and friends.

However many 8 dollar Ang Baos you think is sufficient, they will run out. True pain in life is having only the 28 dollar high value Ang Baos to give to your snot faced cousin, twice removed. Whose mum will pocket the proceeds in an instant.

(Hot tip: You may think that reading an Ang Bao guide will save you. Ha! My advice is to half their suggested value. Twice. Else your trip to San Francisco will be replaced by one to Sentosa.)

 

Buy the policy and reap the benefits:

Should you find yourself paying out an inordinate amount of red packet money because of pro-life relatives, the policy will rebate your losses should they cross a specific amount.

 

How it works:

Agree upon the minimum amount of Ang Bao money you are prepared to ‘give’, as well as the number of relatives you have. A background check will be done on their fertility and a premium will be presented. Anything more that you pay, can be claimed on the policy. It won’t come cheap, but then again, neither are children.

Even if they aren’t yours.

 

Policy 3: The Banlat Blocker

 

BlackJack

Who knew that some printed pieces of sturdy paper could cause so much misery?

 

The dreaded scenario:

That obligatory Black Jack game among friends and relatives can be a soul crushing experience, especially since every household seems to have its own rules. Your relatives will be badgering you to join the game, eager to win back their Ang Bao losses – at your expense.

(It nearly happened to me, but I was insistent on not joining. Never a gambling man! I never liked my relatives much anyway)

While it is your turn to be the banker, Uncle Soon pushes all in and gets a triple 7. Your face turns white and you don’t remember the trip to the hospital.

 

Buy the policy and reap the benefits:

Insurers love par(ticipating) plans, and this is one option for them to partake in your gains and losses during this period. For a predetermined set amount, the policy will then ensure that all gains and losses of Banlat will be shared between you and the insurer. Pay extra if you wish to keep the gains all to yourself.

 

How it works:

There will be financial underwriting involved and much administrative pre-work to be done. Submit your full list of gambling crazed relatives and the insurer will do a background check on them. If none of them are on the No Entry list of MBS, then your policy will likely be incepted. Good luck!

 

Bonus: The Optional Bak Kwa Rider

 

The Dreaded Scenario:

All the Bak Kwa and Pineapple tarts don’t just go away on their own. As Jack Lalanne used to say, a  minute on the lips, a lifetime on the hips.

 

jack-lalanne-1_0

You can see exactly where he didn’t eat that bak kwa

 

You’ve kept track of all the new clothes that you buy during CNY, and they’ve been increasing in size over the years. And you know exactly why.

 

Buy the rider and reap the benefits:

Add on this rider to any of the main plans listed above, and the insurer will send you off to your preferred weight loss establishment till you achieve your pre-CNY, trim self. There will be lite/premier options, depending on your tolerance level. Guys who select the lite version of this rider will pay far less in premiums, but will be sent to BMT for weight loss.

Your call.

 

www.ClearlySurely.com aims to eradicate the knowledge gap between consumers and Life Insurance. Our Vision is that one day, every Man, Woman, and Child will be properly insured.

In case it isn’t immediately clear, this entire article is one of satire. Some people that cannot recognize satire even if it bit them on the ankle, so this disclaimer is meant for those special snowflakes. These policies are NOT for actual sale, and frankly, nothing can protect you against your kaypoh aunty.

If you are indulging in a spot of Black Jack with your relatives and friends, may the odds be ever in your favor.

Here’s wishing all our readers and users a happy, healthy, and prosperous Chinese New Year.

HUAT AH!

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