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Financially Prudent Bedtime Stories Part 5 of 7 [The Three Little Pigs]

Posted 2 May, 2019 by Clearly
in Finance, Just for Fun

Once upon a time, there was an old mother pig who had three little pigs and not enough food/cash to feed them. So when they were old enough, she did what all food/cash strapped mother pigs would have done: sent them out into the world to seek their fortunes.

 

 

And as all cast out children can attest to, the first order of business was to find a place to stay.

The first little pig was very lazy. He didn’t want to work at all and he decided to build his house out of straw. The second little pig worked a little bit harder but he was somewhat lazy too and he built his house out of sticks. Then, they sang and danced and played together for the rest of the day.

The third little pig worked hard all day and built his house with bricks. It was a sturdy house complete with a fine fireplace and chimney. It looked like it could withstand a hurricane, but not that any hurricanes were coming. It just could.

 

 

The next day, a wolf happened to pass by the lane where the three little pigs lived; and he saw the straw house, and he smelled the pig inside. He thought the pig would make a mighty fine meal and his mouth began to water.

It took him only but a second to conceive a devious plan to lure his next meal out of the house.

Boldly, he knocked on the door and said: “Little Pig, Little Pig, let me in!”

The first little pig caught a glimpse of the wolf’s gigantic paws and was instantly alarmed. “Why no thanks, you look like you would gobble me up in a split second.”

Possessing the charm of a second-hand car salesman, the wolf was undeterred.

“Why, is this how you blatantly disregard a golden opportunity? I bring glad tidings of an investment scheme that is bound to make you rich and comfortable beyond your wildest ambitions”, reasoned the cunning wolf.

Hearing no audible opposition, the carnivore pressed his advantage. “Ever heard of our company’s gold buyback scheme? There are thousands of investors already enjoying huge returns. It’s simple, really.

We sell you physical gold, and then guarantee a monthly return of 3% of your gold. If ever you want your principle back, we will buy your gold back at purchase price after 12 months. And oh, each person is limited to 1 kg of gold purchase per lifetime, so…”

 

 

Check out the Genneva gold investment scam, just one of the many that have arisen

 

Upon hearing that, the first little pig went into overdrive.

Drats! And to think I nearly turned him away. It is literally a golden opportunity. (pun intended) Goddamn, he sounds legit. I get physical gold at the very least, which I can sell in the open market if things go wrong. Thousands of investors can’t be wrong, social proof has never failed in the history of investing, right? And doggone it, that scarcity clause is making my FOMO (fear of missing out) senses tingle.

Once his internal monologue was over, the first little pig swung the door wide open. “Say, do you take cheques?”

No sooner was the door crack wide enough, the wolf rushed in and promptly gobbled up the first little pig.

 

 

Dear gentle reader, you might be wondering what happened to the original business of huffing and puffing the house down. That concept will reappear later in the story, but suffice to say, each individual house is a metaphorical representation of the financial sensibility of its respective little pig that built it. We are deep in our own little way. Right, on with the story.

Despite the meal of uncured bacon, the wolf grew hungry a few hours later. He chanced upon the second pig’s house made of sticks and had an inspiration.

Like before, he knocked on the door and cried out, “Little Pig, Little Pig, let me in!”

The second little pig peeped through the window and saw the wolf’s sharp teeth – and decided against being someone else’s lunch for the day.

 

“Nah, I’m good. I already gave to the salvation army earlier this month,” was the lame brush off.

Like any good fraudster, the wolf knew that the key to success was confidence and persistence. Funny enough, these things are taught in school too. Food for thought.

“Hey, don’t make a huge mistake now. Just hear me out for a minute, and if you don’t like what you hear, I will offer the chance to someone else more cognisant.” This wolf clearly knew his reverse psychology.

Sensing no resistance, he launched into his spiel.

“I represent a company called Moonshine empire, and we specialize in lifestyle packages. That is to say, if you purchase any one of our packages, we get to live in style. And by we, I mean you and me.

How it works is simple. Our CEO and founder is the unknown god of investors in these parts, his name is Jhames Pangh Hwah. He invests in companies like we purchase beancurd from the wet markets, and but generates tremendous returns on them. If you purchase a gold lifestyle package from us, you invest $12,000 to get a monthly return of at least $1600, forever.”

 

A face that everyone can trust. But should they?

 

Hearing that, the second little pig was lost in thought for a few moments.

Well, shoot! I was about to head to the market to buy beancurd. This lifestyle package thingy sounds far more attractive. Just the sort of thing I could just sink my life savings into and live off the fat returns. A net 60% return just in the first year alone! Why even that dude Warren Buffet can’t match this sort of returns. Some investor he is. Still, let me do my due diligence first.

“Yo, Wolfie. How long have you guys been around for?” questioned the second little pig.

“Over 4 years man, with offices in Singapore and Malaysia” came the quick reply.

That settled it. No fraudster of a company could survive for 4 years, and across two countries no less. This was a sure bet, and the second little pig had visions of all the beancurd he was going to enjoy in the months to come. Then he unlocked the latch.

Once again, no sooner could you say “sucker punch” did the wolf leap right in and helped himself to the second little pig.

 

Right about now we can sense a little consternation among our readers who might be bedtime story purists. What about the huffing and puffing and chinny chin chins? Can’t we stick to the original storyline a bit more religiously? Don’t you worry, it will come. Just read on.

Like before, the wolf soon grew hungry after his second meal of the day, which was understandable once you knew his backstory. He had been taking up CrossFit these days, and all the burpees and pull-ups and deadlifts were wreaking havoc on his appetite.

Seeing the third pig’s house over the horizon, the hungry wolf made his way over there and presented himself once again in the same fashion.

“Little Pig, Little Pig, let me in!”

The third little pig saw the malicious glint in the wolf’s eyes and declined ever so politely.

 

“No thank you, my good sir, I am busy right now securing my financial future” explained the third little pig.

And so he was. He was in fact, finishing up his purchase of insurance from FWD. The full online experience left him wowed and the experience was seamless, to say the least. Protection is something every financially savvy person should be concerned about.

Which is why the third little pig INSISTS you have to check out FWD Insurance. It’s for your own good. (And ours, cos it pays the bills)

 

Impressed, the wolf called out, “You seem like a sensible one, you should really explore my proposition once you’re done.”

Finishing up and receiving his policies via email, the third little pig replied, “Well go on then.”

“Ever heard about offshore arbitrage betting? We’re really good at it and have generated consistent returns of 10% per month. Initially, we took our early investors’ money and grew it to nearly 12 fold. Now we’ve refined our techniques and updated our algorithms to exploit every single betting platform in the UK.

We’re looking for the next tranche of investors to invest with us and make a killing, so if you don’t open your door in the next minute, I shall move on to the next clever person.” The wolf delivered his lines perfectly.

 

How arbitrage betting really works. If it looks complicated… it’s supposed to be. Don’t ask any questions, just collect your dues!

 

It took less than a minute for the third little pig to come up with his retort.

” I shall be passing this time, my good sir. As attractive as it may sound, it is just the sort of thing that confidence trickers depend on – greed. Any rational person who takes a step back would realize that if any program were successful enough to generate 10% returns monthly on its own, would never need to take in investor money.

At this rate of return, every single dollar would have turned into 31 bucks after 3 years – what’s the sense of taking in money from random investors and having to pay them off?”

Angered by this show of rationality, the wolf was enraged.

“Well, if you won’t come by guile, then I shall have to take you in by force!

I shall huff

I shall puff

and I’ll blow your house down!”

And so he did. (Technically, he tried)

 

He huffed and he puffed, but the solid brick house was built to withstand far worse elements. After a couple of minutes of exhaling air hard, the wolf was winded and had to sit down for a rest.

“I’m gonna ask for a refund from my CrossFit gym, those guys suck at developing my cardio.”

 

The wolf danced about with rage and swore he would come down the chimney and eat up the little pig for his supper. But while he was climbing on to the roof, the clever little pig made up a blazing fire and put on a big pot full of water to boil. Then, just as the wolf was coming down the chimney, the little piggy pulled off the lid, and plop! in fell the wolf into the scalding water.

 

 

That was the end of the fraudster wolf, and the third little pig lived happily ever after till the end of his days, never to fall prey to any get rich quick schemes.

(The End)

 

Enjoyed this story?

Read about Part 1 in this series here: Little Red Riding Hood
Read about Part 2 in this series here: Hansel and Gretel
Read about Part 3 in this series here: Chicken Little
Read about Part 4 in this series here: Jack and the Beanstalk
Read about Part 5 in this series here: The Three Little Pigs
Read about Part 6 in this series here: Goldilocks and the three bears
Read about Part 7 in this series here: The Pied Piper of Hamelin

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